Like most places of employment, our universities copier seems to be out of order more often than it is in. Therefore, our copy repairman had answered question after question for us. Finally one day he just smiled and handed us this sheet: The COPIER is out of order! YES--We have called the service man. YES--He will be in today. NO--We cannot fix it. NO--We do not know how long it will take. NO--We do not know what caused it. NO--We do not know who broke it. YES--We are keeping it. NO--We do not know what you are going to do now. ------------------------------ Subject: Excuses for Missing Work I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the grocery store Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with MCI, but thank you for calling. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead! ------------------------------ Subject: 50 Ways to Get Rid of a Blind Date 50 WAYS TO GET RID OF A BLIND DATE (or fun things to do in a fancy restaurant) 1 At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2 Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 3 Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 4 Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 5) Repeate every third third word you say say. 6) Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook. 7) Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 8) Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 9) Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. 10) Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 11) Order a bucket of lard. 12) Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. 13) Howl and whitle at womens' legs, especially if you are female. 14) Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. 15) Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself. 16) Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme. 17) When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. 18) Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. 19) Drool. 20) Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation." 21) Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. 22) Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask fro another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the bathroom?!" 23) Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. 24) Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates. 25) Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.