Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and"ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. I'd rather be rich than stupid. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out the window when you're coming home his face might burn up. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late. Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. ------------------------- Subject: More things not to say at interviews when asked "have you any questions": do you have 'net access? What do you expect to gain by emplying me? (I love this one - it just flowed out over a dinner during christmas and caused fits of hysterics!) (this next comment should be at the bottom) I really thought the one the other day "what are the star signs of the board members" was great!! if someone asked me that - theye'd probably get the job! Why should I say yes to your offer? (a natural follow up) when can I start? What are the car-parking arrangements? ------------------------------ Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. ------------------------------ Subject: 1-liner signatures Following the recent collections of 1/2 liners someone passed this on to me: Collection of 'one-liner' signature files found on the Internet ------------------------------------------------------------ Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. Double your drive space - delete Windows! What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. When there's a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? All generalizations are false, including this one. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. ------------------------------ Subject: Reasons to leave work early Reasons to leave work early 1) Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances 2) Came dressed in only a towel... again 3) Ran out of paperclips 4) I've decided to telecommute 5) Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House 6) It's a long drive home to Texas 7) One day sale at Lechmere 8) MY BRAIN IS MELTING! 9) I think they found me out... 10) Accidently erased the LAN