America will never be invaded.  Our juvenile delinquents are too well
armed.
        + + +
I used to be an atheist but I gave it up.  No holidays.
        + + +
A bachelor is a guy who likes to love as long as it's not followed by
honor and obey.
        + + +
A budget is a complete record of how you managed to spend more than you
earned.
        + + +
Whenever I order alphabet soup I also order a waffle, so I can do the
crossword puzzle.
        + + +
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
        + + +
-----------------------------------

Subject: True story

   Okay, we've all heard about the philosophy teacher who gave a final exam
with the question WHY? and the only person to recieve an A wrote WHY NOT? but
how about this one...

   The philisophy final at U.C.L.A. had many blank pages for the answer to
one question: What is courage?  Most people wrote frantically, giving examples
, expounding on theories, etc, but one student turned in his essay with just
two words on it:  This is.
   He got an A.

------------------------------

Subject: Cows

         (__)             (__)             (__)             (__)
         (oo)             (oo)             (oo)             (oo)
  /-------\/       /-------\/       /-------\/       /-------\/
 / |     ||       / |     ||       / |     ||       / |     ||
*  ||----||      *  ||W---||      *  ||w---||      *  ||V---||
   ~~    ~~         ~~    ~~         ~~    ~~         ~~    ~~
     Cow           Cow laden        Same cow       Betty Ford-type
                   with milk     after milking     cow with milk

******************************************

[ed. note - I have NO clue where part 1 is...don't ask]

Subject: Are you a geek - Part 2

Thought now was a good time for part 2 of the geek Quiz, how did you do
with the first one??
 
**************************************************************************
**************************************************************************
Part II - Are you STILL a computer geek?
 
Ok, so you lucked out last time - you were about as socially adjusted as
an onion and jelly sandwhich, BUT YOU MIGHT HAVE CHANGED!  You may not be
a computer geek any more!   It's possible!!!  (Not probable, but possible) Test 
yourself now!
 
 1.  It's a stag party for one of your friends.  You and the rest of your
     friends all put money in for:
     a.  A set of driving mirrors
     b.  A stripper
     c.  A stripper with a set of driving mirrors
     d.  A VGA screen so he can check out alt.sex.pictures.of.girlies
 
 2.  You want to improve your social life.  You
     a.  Ask people to go out with you.
     b.  Join a club to meet new people
     c.  Drink yourself unconcious and forget about it.
     d.  What's a social life?
 
 3.  You ideal partner would have:
     a.  Looks
     b.  Intelligence
     c.  Money
     d.  A 1.2 Gig Hard Drive, Twin floppies + SVGA screen, and 5 Meg
         Memory
 
 4.  You have the most horrific nightmare of your life.  It involves:
     a.  You driving off a cliff
     b.  You showing up somewhere with no clothes on
     c.  A hungry alsation, your private parts and some tomato sauce.
     d.  A tax on pocket protectors and thick glasses
 
 5.  You're on blind date.   The question you would ask is:
     a.  "Name the weirdest place you ever kissed someone"
     b.  "Name the weirdest place you ever made love"
     c.  "Name the weirdest place you ever played soggy biscuit"
     d.  "Name the weirdest place you ever booted MSDOS 4"
 
 6.  Your role model is:
     a.  Rudolf Steiner
     b.  Mother Theresa
     c.  Charlie Manson
     d.  R2D2
 
 7.  Your favourite fashion accessory is:
     a.  Winklepickers
     b.  Collar Studs
     c.  An axe
     d.  What's fashion?
 
 8.  If you had your life to live again, would you:
     a.  Make no changes
     b.  Make a few changes
     c.  Make a lot of changes
     d.  Upgrade to SVGA
 
 9.  Your favourite pickup line is:
     a.  "I've just won the lottery"
     b.  "Has anyone seen the keys to my Porsche?"
     c.  "Shit, I'm pissed"
     d.  "I'm superuser at work.."
 
 10. During sexual climax, you think of:
     a.  Your partner
     b.  Your partner's body
     c.  Yourself
     d.  The 487 co-processor at 52 Meg
 
 Scoring
 You don't really need the score card do you?
 Mostly A's or B's means  you're the normal run-of-the-mill, 90212
 (the house next door)  walk  alike, talk alike that gives us real
 jerks a bad name; C's mean you're a..  Well, frankly, I haven't
 got a clue what the hell you are, but you're unique.
 D's - give up all hope.
 
 
 
**************************************************************************
 
To err is human, to really screw up takes a computer......
 
**************************************************************************

My mother and father keep fighting,
They rant and rave and they shout,
"Who is your father?" somebody asked.
"That's what they're fighting about."

------------------------------