==============================================================================
  
 | Memo to: ALL STAFF
 | Subject: Involuntary Early Retirement
 |  
 | Since the recent Early Retirement Program (ERP) did not succeed
 | in terminating a sufficient number of personnel, we are forced
 | to take action to keep our cost in check.  Therefore, we have
 | devised a plan  to phase out older personnel by the end of this
 | fiscal year.
 |  
 | Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
 | retirement, thus permitting the retention of  younger staff, who
 | represent our future.  This plan will be known as Retire Aging
 | Personnel Early  (RAPE).
 |  
 | Employees who are being RAPED will be given the opportunity to
 | look for other jobs outside of the  institute and may request a
 | review of their employment record before actual retirement is
 | effected.   This phase is called the Survey of Capabilities of
 | Retired Early Workers (SCREW)
 | 
 | Employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with
 | the administration.  This  phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
 | Authority Following Termination).  Under this new policy an
 | employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, and SHAFTED as many
 | times as the  administration deems appropriate.
 |  
 | Employees following the above procedures will be entitled to
 | HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired  Personnel's Service) or CLAP
 | (Combined Lumpsum Assistance Payment), unless they already have
 | AIDS (Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse).  As these are
 | considered benefit plans,  employees who have HERPES or CLAP will
 | no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the  administration.
 |  
 | We wish to assure all younger employees who remain that the
 | administration will continue its policy so  that everyone is well
 | trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT)
 | program.  We have  given our employees more SHIT than any other
 | institute in the state.  However, employees who feel  that they
 | do not receive enough SHIT on the job should see their immediate
 | supervisor.  Your  supervisor is trained to make sure you receive
 | all the SHIT you can stand.
 | =================================================================