IJMC Full Whuppin'

                         IJMC - Full Whuppin'

I live in the south. I was born here. I have never really left. I got a
good laugh out of this one. After all, if you can not laugh at yourself,
what can you laugh at?                                             -dave

You know...when I first arrived in Chattanooga in 1975, I might have taken offense to this. But I've passed the 25 year mandatory See-If'n-He-Goes-Back period...and the fact that I think this is funny now...well, color me Lieberman Lavender...I've been absorbed.


1) Don't order steak at the Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.

2) Don't laugh at southern peoples names.  (Merleen, Bodie, Gertrude, Joe Roy, Sudie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, Billy Bob, etc.)  These people have been known to whup a man's behind for less.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a beating. Down south its called Coke. It don't make a darn whether it's Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else; its a Coke.

4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC (Tennessee, Auburn, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.)  All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming.

5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Tennessee Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape).  Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb, because we can and will whup you.

6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut up, spend your money, and get out of here.

7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits.

8) Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a darn. If you don't like it here, take your self home.  Delta is ready anytime you are...

10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games. So don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a darn.

11) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners do understand what we are saying and that's all that matters.  Now, go home.

12) Last but not least. DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to make Bar-B-Q. This will get you shot.  You're lucky we let you come down here. Question our Bar-B-Q and go home in a pine box.

IJMC October 2000 Archives