IJMC The Truth About Car Ads

                  IJMC - The Truth About Car Ads 
In case any of you are looking to buy a new car...this simple guide may 
help you pick out a good model. And if not, well, then maybe you are late 
to work as I am because you fell asleep just before going to watch the 
Leonids shower last night and so you scared the person you were going to 
go with and you have to watch the show on a repeated webcast now. Or 
maybe you are neither of those and run on sentances bug ya. I think it is 
time to say buh-bye now. Buh-bye!                                   -dave

If The Ad Reads . . .  It Really Means  
Rough condition:  Too bad to lie about  
Parts car:  Beyond repair  
Clean:  Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows  
Immaculate:  Recently washed  
Concours:  Recently waxed  
Good transportation:  It's ugly  
Engine quiet:  Uses 90-weight oil  
Needs minor overhaul:  Needs engine  
Needs major overhaul:  Phone the junkyard  
Burns no oil:  It all leaks out  
Rebuilt engine:  Cleaned the spark plugs  
Engine blueprinted:  I don't know what it means either  
Excellent gas mileage:  It's slow  
Low miles:  The odometer was turned back  
One owner:  Can't give it away  
Sure to appreciate:  That's why I'm selling it  
Drive it away:  I live on a hill  
Drive it anywhere:  Within 10 miles  
Desirable classic:  No one wants it  
Rare classic:  No one wanted it even when it was new.  
Stored 20 years:  In a lake  
Ran when stored:  Won't start  
Never apart:  Bolts too rounded to loosen  
Solid as a rock:  Rusted solid  
. . .or best offer:  I'm guessing here  
Restored, with 0 miles:  Won't start  
Faster than a 'vette:  A Chevette  
Restored, with 2 miles:  Won't stay running  
Older restoration:  First owner washed it  
Good investment:  Can't be worth much less  
No time to restore it:  Can't obtain parts  
90% complete:  You do the other 90%  
95% complete:  Other 5% doesn't exist  
Other interests conflict:  Spouse's ultimatum, "Either that #!!@&## thing  goes or I go!"

IJMC November 1999 Archives