IJMC For the Deluge of Yankee Retirees

               IJMC - For the Deluge of Yankee Retirees

Atlanta has recently built part of a project that will likely continue 
for many years. The project is called "Path" and is a set of pedestrian 
and non-motor friendly pathways traversing the distance from downtown out 
to one of our great landmarks, Stone Mountain. The Path is simply 
incredible. Last week I bicycled from home to class and I was relieved 
when I reached the Path...no more cars failing to yield right of way, no 
more cars honking as they sped past dangerously close, no more fears of 
being rear ended by some moron on their cell phone. On my way home that 
night, I started noticing all the houses near the Path...I wonder what 
they go for...                                                      -dave

P.S. If your area has a similar project, I say support it!

Rules for retiring to the South

If you are from the northern states and are planning to visit or move to
the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt
to the difference in lifestyles: 

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel
drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly.  Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for. 

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do
not buy food at this store. 

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "ally' all's" is
plural possessive. 

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child.  This is short
for, "Y'all oughta not do that!" And is the equivalent of saying"No!" 

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.  They can't
understand you either. 

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol" as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy." 
Most ex-Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All
of them are in denial about it. 

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be
advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. 

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of
the way.  These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. 

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have
to go there. 

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is
the proper speed and position for that vehicle. 

Do not be surprised to find that ten-year olds own their own shotguns and
are proficient marksmen.  Or that their mammas taught them how to aim. 

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn
is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. 

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will
accept them as Southerners.  After all, if the cat had kittens in the
oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. 

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes.  The South has 'mater samiches. 

The North has coffee houses.  The South has Waffle Houses. 

The North has dating services.  The South has family reunions. 

The North has switch blade knives.  The South has Lee Press-on Nails. 

The North has double last names.  The South has double first names. 

The North has Ted Kennedy.  The South has Jesse Helms. 

The North has an ambulance.  The South has an amblance. 

The North has the Mafia.  The South has NASCAR. 

The North has Indy car races.  The South has Swamp Buggy races. 

The North has Cream of Wheat or oatmeal.  The South has grits. 

The North has green salads.  The South has collard greens and chitlins. 

The North has lobsters.  The South has crawdads. 

The North has distilleries, breweries, and liquor stores.  The South has
stills, shine, and them ridge runners. 

The North has the rust belt.  The South has the Bible belt. 

The North has Dan Quayle.  The South has Bill Clinton.

IJMC August 1999 Archives