IJMC Horror Movie Survival Guide

                    IJMC - Horror Movie Survival Guide

This should keep you busy through the weekend. I'm visiting friends and 
family (sounds like a MCI commercial, doesn't it?) so the IJMC will be 
offline for a few nights. Two tonight, then a few more when I get 
back...I'm sure most of you are used to this drill.               -dave

                         A Horror Movie Character's
                               Survival Guide
                    Updated 10/31/1996 - Happy Halloween
   The following are tips for any character that finds him or herself in
   a horror film. The author is kind of hard to pinpoint considering it
   has many already. Did I mention that it could always use more? If you
   have a tip that isn't on the list, don't hesitate to mail it to my
   brother and he will add it to the list. And if you do happen to find
   yourself in a horror film someday, use these tips wisely and you may
   make it out of the film alive. Until the sequel that is...
Survival Tips:

     * 1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to
       see if it's really dead.
     * 2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
       was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants
       who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion
       or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away
     * 3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
     * 4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just
       gone out.
     * 5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
       which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than
       their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in
       the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be
     * 6) When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off
     * 7) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old
       abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if
       everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out.
       And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your
       last will and testament while you're driving with them to the
     * 8) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to
     * 9) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a
       grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
     * 10) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and
       find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you
       value your life.
     * 11) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
     * 12) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
     * 13) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
       you know what you are doing.
     * 14) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall
       down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that,
       although you are running and the monster is merely shambling
       along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
     * 15) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
       behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
       increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
     * 16) Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
       are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God
       help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any
       small town in Maine or Massachusetts.
     * 17) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
       deserted-looking house to phone for help.
     * 18) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple
       guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
       lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws,
       weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.
     * 19) Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the
       audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you
       could ever hope to be.
     * 20) Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky
       because "there's so much we can learn from them".
     * 21) Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
     * 22) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
       reason. Take the hint and stay away.
     * 23) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.
     * 24) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you
       try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is
       normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before
       it will fire up.
     * 25) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek
       help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted
       upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as
     * 26) When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually
       make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a
       sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five
     * 27) Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer
     * 28) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
     * 29) People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the
       monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In
       fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their
       flayed corpse at some point.
     * 30) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.
     * 31) If you realize that the people in your town/county are having
       their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise:
       DO NOT call the police as they are A) either already taken over
       themselves and will turn you in or B) Will not believe you and
       laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.
     * 32) If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the
       adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in
       a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility
       towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at
       once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible,
       but expect to die anyways because you are inferior to them.
     * 33) If you assist the villian of the film, do not expect gratitude
       in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything
       other then death, which will come in the final minutes of the film
       and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the
       villian wants as their own.
     * 34) If any animals, such as Birds, Pirahna, Spiders, etc. begin to
       exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind
       than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that
       town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in
       that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not
       believe you.
     * 35) Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs,
       hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of
       your sight for so much as a second.
     * 36) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that
       look like eggs, leave them alone.
     * 37) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite
       attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous
       rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.
     * 38) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of
       disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt
       for the ship's cat.
     * 39) Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet,
       barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing
       shadows, the woods or the lake)
     * 40) If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do
       something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for
       the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) by all
       means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the
     * 41) If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't
       despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such
       as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.
     * 42) If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is
       a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no
       matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill
       the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never
       have to reload)
     * 43) If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope,
       because sooner or later, no matter how many anti-biotics you take,
       yer gonna become one of 'em.
     * 44) If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of
       people are hunting the monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the
       open, because you will immediately be mistaken for a/the monster.
     * 50) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching,
       heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.
     * 51) DO NOT go into the dark room.
     * 52) If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The
       only one who ever survives is a female.
     * 53) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the
       house alone.
     * 54) In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the
       monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed
       stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the
       nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical
       grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your
       gun will invariably jam.
     * 55) If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are
     * 56) Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
     * 57) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
     * 58) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs,
       when your supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who
       your "guest" is . LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!
     * 59) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your
       phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster
       swinging some sort of sharp object.
     * 60) If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the
       camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the
       heck out of there.
     * 61) If the Master does not approve, neither do you.
     * 62) Never handle the rat-monkey cage.
     * 63) Your dog can take care of itself...
     * 64) So can your spouse...
     * 65) And your kids.
     * 66) Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will
       usually die anyway.
     * 67) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty,
       painful way. Be a believer.
     * 68) If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and
       easier way out.
     * 69) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except
       for the one that actually occurs.
     * 70) Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.
     * 71) When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground
       with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters'
     * 72) Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after
       a succesful demon/devil/monster summoning.
     * 73) People driven by veangance always die.
     * 74) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or
       any loved ones will get you killed.
     * 75) Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.
     * 76) Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.
     * 77) Feel no guilt.
     * 78) If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and
       ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in
       your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY!
       Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to
     * 79) If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car
       the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically
       possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take.
       And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a
     * 80) If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly
       horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only
       possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
     * 81) If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many
       people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can
       always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new
     * 82) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind
       you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a
       girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then
       stand up and look behind you).
     * 83) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're
       sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn,
       eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.
     * 84) If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your
       friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to
v       explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really
       your friend they'll follow. If not - that's their tough luck.
     * 85) If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a
       scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do
       not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors,
       windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to
       come within a gnat's hair to you.
     * 86) If you should run across one of the escape routes from the
       previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on
       it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action.
       (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)
     * 87) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival.
       Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense
       of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!
     * 88) If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the
       movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for
       your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.
     * 89) If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the
       monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as
       a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you
       over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.
     * 90) If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph
       and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^&
     * 91) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST
       IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in
       defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your
     * 92) Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun,
       flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster
       will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use
       it then the monster.
     * 93) If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies
       out of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no
       happiness to be found when you're being eaten alive.
     * 94) A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can
       never be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to
       go after the other.
     * 95) When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid
       whenever possible. Prefferably use all of the above. And an atom
     * 96) ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and
       carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.
     * 97) ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether
       or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a
       tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand
       at gene-splicing!
     * 98) Always make eye shots whenever possible as all mosters ignore
       chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded
       for a while (maybe... and if you're really lucky... and if the
       creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).
     * 99) If you look out the window and see a monster, chances are he's
       coming after you some time or another. Go into seclusion very very
       far away.
     * 100) If you set the monster on fire, or he is set on fire, he will
       not die but instead try and fight you while he is on fire.
     * 101) If you know someone who does taxidermy on humans, and owns a
       hotel, do not get a room there, EVER.
     * 102) Do not plan to engage in sexual activity whilst a murderer
       has escaped or a monster is near.
     * 103) If a dog, cat, or horse begins to behave in an erratic
       fashion in a particular person's presence, avoid that person at
       all costs (even if it is your spouse or child).
     * 104) A small-town's little summer celebration sounds like fun, but
       if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of
       honor! We couldn't even *have* the barbecue without you!" run like
     * 105) Remember: quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about
       corn . . .
     * 106) Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns. Go for the brand
     * 107) Turning around in general is a bad idea, as the monster is
       usually waitng right there for you.
     * 108) Never open cannisters, especially not if they're government
     * 109) Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a
       *real* bad idea.
     * 110) Never meddle in God's domain.
     * 111) Learn as early as possible that Man is a feeling creature,
       and therefore the greatest in the universe.
     * 112) If you catch snatches of the theme song, you know the bad
       thing is close by.
     * 113) If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk
       the extra 5 miles into town.
     * 114) Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison,
       and not a stimulant of any kind.
     * 115) If you're gonna go out, don't do it quietly. Take out those
       annoying friends of yours with you.
     * 116) Don't work the night shift.
     * 117) Never fool yourself into believing you're powerful enough to
       contain anything you summoned.
     * 118) Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers
       or large blocks of ice (ie. flying saucers, Frankenstein's
       monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc ...)
     * 119) If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let
       it thaw. (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice,
       do not bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer's power go out.)
     * 120) If you do entomb a monster in ice (Godzilla, the blob, etc)
       make sure that the monster's location is not well known.
       (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets,
       bleeding on ice, or detonating A-Bombs.)
     * 121) If an iceberg appears to be radioactive, do not crash your
       submarine into it.
     * 122) Don't explode A-Bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or
       deep beneath the ocean. These locations are thickly inhabited with
       survivors from the prehistoric past. (Not to mention the blob,
       giant octopi, etc.)
     * 123) Don't explode A-Bombs in the desert, which are full of many
       insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into
       gigantic forms. As a corollary, don't store sugar or picnic foods
       anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an A-Bomb test.
     * 124) Don't explode A-Bombs near men or women. They may grow to
       gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas.
     * 125) Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaphe and search for
       prehistoric monsters under the ocean. You may as well just drive a
       giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with
     * 126) Don't visit backwoods regions of the United States,
       especially those regions filled with quaint people with colorful
       names like Leatherface or Pun'kinhead.
     * 127) Stay on the Interstate.
     * 128) Never EVER eat the dead monster's heart.
     * 129) If your parents killed a serial killer before you were born,
       chances are the serial killer will come back from the dead to kill
     * 130) If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making
       coffee will not help anyone.
     * 131) If a maniac or monster or zombie is trying to get into your
       house, don't decide to try and find your lost cat or dog. Give it
       up, Fido and Fluffy are dead already.
     * 132) Also, any military containers that accidentally get mailed to
       you should be sent right back. And never, ever hit a container to
       test how strong it is.
     * 133) If you are walking in the woods and you heard a choo choo
       killl killl sound, I suggest you start running.
     * 134) Whenever someone warn's you not to go up,down, under or over
       there,Whatever you do, don't go!(Their only trying to save you
       from a most certain and Horrible death)
     * 135) Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping,
       especially at night.
     * 136) Always carry several guns and lots of hollow point bullets.
       Shoot everything. All the time. Don't even wait.
     * 137) If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural
       bodies of water. If you swim in a pool, you can see what's under
       the water. also, don't swim at night, especially when alone.
     * 138) If your female and you just found any of your friends dead by
       any means it's probably not the time to get naked and take a
     * 139) If your really must run screaming through the woods, remember
       to dress for it. Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown
       and high heels.
     * 140) When the bad guy stops to tell you what he is going to do to
       you, that's when you RUN AWAY!!
     * 141) Don't mess with objects that you have NO earthly idea what
       they are. They will either conjure up the evil creature, or
       teleport you to alternate worlds.
     * 142) Don't take food or drink from any strangers or new people in
     * 143) Don't volunteer to be scanned!
     * 144) Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
     * 145) Don't get locked in any building or business after hours.
     * 146) Don't accept sexual advances of ANYONE who never knew or
       liked you previously.
     * 147) Take back TV's that breathe, or in which you see yourself
       doing vile things on the program.
     * 148) If you have any odd scars, wounds, tattoos, or other
       irritations on your body---you are a goner!!!!!
     * 149) You will not be saved by the god Plutonium! In fact, YOU WILL
       NOT BE SAVED!!
     * 150) Breaking mirrors usually makes a difference in horror movies.
     * 151) If you share a last name with the killer, creature, demon, or
       other nasty, make darn sure its a coincidence. Otherwise, get a
       new identity. In any case, you will probably become it's new
     * 152) NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere.
     * 153) Never tease anyone. They either gain extraordinary powers, or
       go psycho.
     * 154) All myths and legends have a basis in fact...
     * 155) If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid
       bleeding creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that
       planet and try to bring back one of the creatures. You can't.
     * 156) On the off chance you decide to disobey the above rule, and
       your tracking device says the acid bleeding creatures are moving
       towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire.
       Try not to look directly up...
     * 157) If you are an obnoxious character, who will go on to get a
       "Seinfeld-type" sitcom, never run away from the group and lock the
       doors behind you.
     * 158) Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go skinny
       dipping in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water.
       Especially if there are rumors about government "happenings"
     * 159) If you are home alone and hear a noise coming from another
       room or outside your window, don't assume it's just the house
       settling or the wind.
     * 160) If you send your husband down to check out a mysterious sound
       and he doesn't return within five minutes, don't go downstairs.
       He's probably already dead.
     * 161) If you value your life, stay a virgin.
     * 162) Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings.
     * 163) Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before.
       (This must cause something real, real bad because no one ever
       tries it.)
     * 164) If you feel funny and start to grow hair, shoot yourself in
       the head with a silverbullet - AT ONCE!
     * 165) When you walk into a room / house etc, ALWAYS at least TRY to
       switch the lights on.
     * 166) OR... When you walk into a room / house etc, NEVER even TRY
       turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet.
     * 167) All in all, stay in the light, inside a well-boarded up house
       forever surrounded by people and do not make yourself vulnerable
       in any way possible (by getting naked, allowing yourself to be
       left alone, etc.)
     * 168) Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you.
     * 169) Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car."
       They won't anyway, and will end up saving you.
     * 170) Do not visit Prom Queen's grave, better to remember her the
       way that she was.
     * 171) Do not allow children to watch television, read old books or
       play with puzzle boxes or dolls unsupervised.
     * 172) Do not move into a fully automated computer controlled house.
       Unless your Bill Gates.
     * 173) Do not allow a computer the ability to lock doors.
     * 174) Don't eat food supplements, health food or yoghurt. Its not
       as good for you as you think.
     * 175) When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough in
       Gene splicing. Pull the plug on the project or resign as C.E.O of
     * 176) Avoid men in black.
     * 177) Also avoid men with pointy teeth.
     * 178) Natch facial hair.
     * 179) Also people with pale complexion who moan and sway.
     * 180) Don't associate yourself with people who have access to
       virgins blood and speak in latin.
     * 181) When Granny starts frothing at the mouth it's time to send
       her to the retirement home.
     * 182) If little Billy says that Aliens have landed in the back
       garden don't play in the sand pit.
     * 183) It's generaly not a good idea to burn a guy with blades on
       his glove because he'll usually come after your children in their
     * 184) A smart thing to do is to cancel your trip to see your aunt
       Bates and your cousin Norman at the Bates motel imediatly.
     * 185) If you manage to find a good bludgeon or any other good
       weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it. You WILL need it
     * 186) NEVER ever pick up hitch hickers on deserted rural roads,
       especially if you live in texas.
     * 187) NEVER start crying/whinning when the monster or villan has
       you cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight
       back and the monster or villian does not really give a damn about
       your life anyway.
     * 188) Never ask a vampire if he'd like to stay for dinner.
     * 189) If you hear weird music start to play run like hell.
     * 190) If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavy on
       the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick
       on you. And never never, never, say "come on over, my parents are
       gone for the weekend."
     * 191) The first thing to do when whitnessing a satanic ritual in
       the middle of nowhere is to tell the wives; otherwise, their bound
       to yell out into the night, asking you where you are.
     * 192) Always carry spare headlights in the R.V..
     * 193) If you forgot step 192, find a city before dark. Never turn
       off down a nice looking dirt road.
     * 194) When shark hunting, it is always a good idea to have any
       underwater power lines marked out on your map.
     * 195) If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much
       better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must A) Be
       a natural blond. Blondes with visable roots are the food of choice
       of 9 out of 10 aliens B) Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty
       scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with
       scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically
       increase your chances of survival at this point by following in
       your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best
       leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many
       legs. C) Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick
       or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters D) If it is too late to
       become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it.
       The no makeup thing can be a big help here. E) Be in love with the
       bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all
       costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad
       scientist begins to mutate. F) Wear a rip away blouse and learn to
       faint gracefully. You will be called on to do this alot. G) Hang
       around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure.
     * 196) Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast
       jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be ready to
       squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn.
       Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.
     * 197) If you are from another planet and of royal blood, abdicate
       fast. Intergallactic Empresses almost always end up with a face
       full of acid and a bad attitude. Even the princesses end up as
       mind slaves to giant insects. This is especially true of royalty
       whose names end in a vowel. Change your name to Mary Lou and leave
       the planet.
     * 198) Man or woman, if you have a kid brother with a cute name and
       freckles, lose him. Especiallly if he spends a lot of time looking
       at things through a telescope. Eventually he is going to go into
       the abandoned mine shaft and everybody is going to expect you to
     * 199) When your loved one is
       infected/assimilated/zombified/possessed or whatever and someone
       grabs your arm and says 'It's too late for her/him' BELIEVE THEM!
       Shoot the former human and get the hell away from there!
     * 200) Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is
       going to happen, because he's probably right!
     * 201) When on the way to camp, you stumble across an old man
       carrying eyballs, and claiming he is a messenger from god, get
       back in the car and go back in the direction you came from.
     * 202) If ANYONE says they are are messenger from God, listen to
       them, because they usually are.
     * 203) If you stumble across the body of a dead freind, do not go
       looking for the rest of your friends, because they're probably
     * 204) If you can find any of your friends, leave immediately.
     * 205) When someone tells you not to look behind you, don't!
     * 206) If you dream of a serial killer, do not attempt to combat him
       in your dream.
     * 207) Never go mano-a-mano vs. any monster which lacks a
       discernable head or limbs, or can infect you with something.
     * 208) Never be funnier than the main character.
     * 209) Always use the buddy system. Also, make sure that your buddy
       is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are.
     * 210) NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony.
     * 211) NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything
       brought forth for the weird ceremony.
     * 212) Don't be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of
       getting left behind by the group and wandering to a deserted room
       (= deathtrap) to sulk.
     * 213) When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering
       townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic,
       don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries.
     * 214) If the barber remarks on the "666" tattoo your buzzcut kid
       now has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.
     * 215) Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile to
       relieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences. Whether by
       plane, train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever
       make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league
       with Satan).
     * 216) Never walk backwards!
     * 217) If you are travelling through a wasteland and the locals
       advise you to go no further that night, DON'T!
     * 218) Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks.
     * 219) If you rise from the dead, you'd better learn to like human
       flesh, 'cause you're gonna eat some.
     * 220) Don't run through the woods wearing high heels, as most of
       the time one of the heels will break.
     * 221) If, at any point, you are running from a monster/villian in a
       car/truck/etc... don't ever run straight on the road. Zig Zag, run
       off the road, do a U-Turn, what ever! It's faster than you, and
       will catch up.
     * 222) Don't ever repeat the words someone tells you wrong. Then for
       sure you'll have the monsters after you. And if that happens fight
       like there's no tomorrow. And if all else fails RUN LIKE HELL!!
     * 223) If you see a burly man wearing a hockey and toting a
       hachete/chainsaw/axe/electronic-brain-sucker-thingy, DO NOT stick
       around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.
     * 224) Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead'
       villian. (ie: Predator 2) He'll just get up again, and this time
       he's gonna be pissed.
     * 225) When going down the basement stairs, (You will... you ARE in
       a horror film, right?) always send your little
       brother/sister/grandpa/grandma down first; this'll tell you if
       something's hiding under the steps.
     * 226) If you are a wuss and run away from one confrontation with
       the serial killer/demon/spirit/slavering-beast, you WILL die later
       on in the film. This is guaranteed. (ie: My Bloody Valentine.)
     * 227) Above all, remember this: your friends, family, and enemies,
       they are all expendable.
     * 228) If your running desperately away from a big boogy monster in
       the woods. A) He's going to pop up on front of you B) Your going
       to trip on something and end up on your butt just before something
       cleaves your head from your shoulders...Your going to die
       anyhow..so why not try running backwards.
     * 229) If the Damm power suddenly shuts off. Dooonnn't go try to fix
       the generator.
     * 230) Learn Karate, Well...at least no ones tried to roundkick
       Jason yet...
     * 231) Sudden and loud noises coming from the tool shed are
       generally bad, don't be a smart ass and go check it out.
     * 232) If you have a cat, give it away. The stupid thing is only
       going to get trapped in a locked cabinet or closet somehow and
       scare the living bejeezus out of you when you open it. This, of
       course, sets you up to be killed the instance you leave the room.
       Buy a goldfish instead.
     * 233) If you plan to lose your virginity at summer camp or while a
       psycho killer is on the loose, well, at least you'll die happy.
     * 234) If you are battling the bad guy and suddenly find yourself
       fighting a loved one (dead or alive), kill them immediately. Do
       not think that by divine intervention, that the bad guy is whisked
       away to hell and, for your efforts, is replaced by your dead
       mother, father, etc... Its a trick, just kill them.
     * 235) Kill everyone you see. If one is posessed, assume all are
       posessed. Its easier that way. Besides, the whining cousin will
       only slow you down anyways. Kill them all and let God sort them
       out. If he's as perfect as we believe, he'll forgive you.
     * 236) Don't stay at Farmer Vincent's Motel.
     * 237) Don't buy Farmer Vincent's meats.
     * 238) Don't be a lurker. Lurkers creep in the shadows, watching
       people make out. they are always the first to go.
     * 239) Don't trust anyone with the name of Voorhees.
     * 240) No matter how much you're tempted to, no matter how much you
       want to, DO NOT go skinny dipping in the lake.
     * 241) When realizing there are over 10 dead people in the woods,
       don't lock yourself in a deserted house in which the phone lines
       are dead.
     * 242) If you are in a car, the engine stalls, and a murderer is on
       the loose, you have a 99% chance of dying.
     * 243) If you happen to run into a house with the monster behind you
       and lock the door, DON'T stay near the door!
     * 244) Never buy your kids a toy that talks back.
     * 245) Keep careful track of the number of times you say the magic
       word that envokes the evil spirit.
     * 246) NEVER say to your friends: "Whatever you do, don't say
       _____," and say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.
     * 247) Do not incorporate the magic word that invokes the evil
       spirit into a catchy tune.
     * 248) Contrary to popular belief, most demons are not helpful
       and/or loyal.
     * 249) If you're a zero in real life, you'll be a hero in your
     * 250) Be resourceful. Whoever came up with the idea of putting holy
       water in a water gun must have memorized every episode of
     * 251) When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone,
       drink a LOT of coffee.
     * 252) If it tastes like chicken, don't ask for seconds.
     * 253) Never visit doctors with last names that imply insanity,
       death, or evil... no matter how highly recommended they come.
     * 254) If somebody tells you he's from the future, beleive him
     * 255) Never announce openly that you're not afraid, you don't
       believe, or that you're fully prepared. You're just asking for it.
     * 256) Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently
       had. They will inevitably come into play at some point.
     * 257) Never try to trick your friends into believing that YOU are
       the monster. If the real monster doesn't kill you, your friends
     * 258) Follow all care instruction of strange animals to the letter.
     * 259) If you ever come across the phone number of an organization
       designed to help with a particular sort of monster, write it down
       and put it in a safe place.
     * 260) Stay indoors on the night of a full moon.
     * 261) After hearing the first news report of a bizarre murder
       victim found drained of all blood, leave town IMMEDIATELY!
     * 262) In archaology class, stay home for the unit on local
     * 263) Never trust a robot.
     * 264) Don't succomb to peer pressure, even when they're passing
       around the bottle. Remember, Just Say No to human blood.
     * 265) If the cross in your local church is upside-down, bleeding or
       otherwise mutilated, find the nearest exit.
     * 266) Get as much information as you can about the previous tenants
       of your new home before you move in. It'll just save you
       aggrevation in the long run.
     * 267) Do your community a favor and torch the local occult
       bookstore. They're usually more trouble than they're worth.
     * 268) If you see a clown walking the streets of your town, stay
       away from the sewers.
     * 269) If you are at a pool party and a man with blades on his
       fingers shows up and starts killing people, don't try to comfort
       or calm him down, just run.
     * 270) Sudden extreme changes in temper usually causes things to
     * 271) If the garden pests grow to immense proportions, kill
       hamsters, scream loudly, or lunge, move away! THIS IS NOT NORMAL
     * 272) If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap
       low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick
       ass, no explanation needed.
     * 273) Never, EVER, tell anyone where you keep your Mojo.
     * 274) Don't open the door.
     * 275) The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better.
     * 276) Never do anything morally wrong (pre-marital sex, drugs,
       making fun of the hero/heroine, etc...)
     * 277) Never allow yourself to be hurt. You will inevitably go off
       by yourself to sulk.
     * 278) The monster will never attack until you are aware of it.
       Often, it will even wait for you to become scared of it.
     * 279) Never buy ANYTHING in an old burial ground.
     * 280) If you are a jerk, kill yourself. Save yourself and others a
       lot of pain.
     * 281) Never attempt to investigate teh horror stories of a small
       town, no matter how certain you are that they are false. They are
       true and you will die if you go.
     * 282) Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".
     * 283) Never look closely at any dark space after hearing or seeing
       anything strange.
     * 284) Curiosity kills.
     * 285) Don't take off any clothes.
     * 286) If you "have a bad feeling about this" go with it, and leave.
     * 287) If you see a book entitled "How to Serve Man" don't board the
       alien spaceship.
     * 288) Don't bother to warn anybody about the monster, they won't
       believe you anyways.
     * 289) Don't buy antiques from strange magic stores. While it won't
       do what the owner tells you it will do, it does do SOMETHING.
     * 290) Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.
     * 291) If you ever pull the plug on a scientist's experiment, he
       will go mad and do the experiment anyways, with the intention of
       slaughtering you and all of your loved ones.
     * 292) If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house. It's
       coming from below you.
     * 293) If you have the unfortunate luck to appear in an Italian
       zombie film, just stand around and wait for them to get you. What
       the heck, you're lunch no matter what happens.
     * 294) Never pretend to be the/a local "deceased" or "imprisoned"
       psychopath. For some reason, he tends to go after you first.
     * 295) If you do impersonate the killer, never leave his trademark
       mask lying around. Guaranteed, you will not be the next one to
       wear it, but that face will at least look familiar when you die.
     * 296) If you are a friend of someone who impersonated the killer as
       a joke and then someone apparently is trying the same gag again,
       run. Don't look for your friend either, mourn him later on.
     * 297) Never, EVER feed the strange animal that your father bought
       for you in China Town, after midnight.
     * 298) The monster is never dead until everyone else is!
     * 299) If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't
       listen. The guy who helps the demons always dies. DEMONS ALWAYS
     * 300) If you are dealing with demons, don't let anyone out of your
       sight. The guy who goes off alon always gets possessed.
     * 301) If the strange drifter carrying an ancient key tells you that
       you are safe inside, then listen to him. The demons,zombies,
       psychos, etc. always get inside because of the guy who thinks he
       knows what he is doing. Stop him at all costs.
     * 302) If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it.
       That is the easiest way to die. Always empty several rounds into
       it before assuming it is dead.
     * 303) If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she
       says. For the most part the main charachter survives.
     * 304) When the old drunk man becomes possessed and tries to choke
       the hero, kill him as quickly as possible. He will try to stall
       you and act human, but he isn't. Don't listen to him. Just kill
     * 305) When you hear scary music run the other direction!
     * 306) Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that
       coincides with Friday the 13th.
     * 307) If an alien creature has access to a shoulder-cannon, sharp
       teeth and/or limbs, or a 15-mile long ship that could destroy your
       whole city, don't look at it in awe and try to shake hands with
     * 308) If you know that an alien creature bleeds ultra-corrosive
       slime, never fire a big-bore weapon point-blank at it's face.
     * 309) Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware
       store in the same neighborhood.
     * 310) If any man or monster is pursuing you with a weapon, run
       screaming blindly through the woods and hope to God the creature
       is deaf.
     * 311) If an odd and unexpected fog bank suddenly rolls into town,
       leave immediately.
     * 312) Do not EVER look in mirrors. Not only will it cause permanant
       psychological damage (your reflection will show you as a hideous
       monster/demon/mutant/corpse/vampire), it will show you doing the
       kind of things that would get you sent to the electric chair if
       you were actually caught doing them (thereby insinuating that you
       have been wanting to do these things all your life but just didn't
       know it). Also, while you are gazing in horror at these things,
       the hideous monster/demon/corpse/vampire will sneak up on you.
     * 313) Never wear a badge. You will definalty die within ten
     * 314) Choose your friends and relatives wisely. Good choices:
       chaste teenage girls, any preteen girls (excluding those who stand
       in circles and act like adults or speak in someone else's voice,
       as cited above), good dogs, younger assistants to world-famous
       scientists. Bad choices: security guards, law-enforcement and
       other municipal officials, teachers/professors, executives of
       companies with questionable environmental/scientific practices,
       psychiatrists specialized in criminal pathology, obnoxious
       ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girls, and of course promiscuous
       teenage girls.
     * 315) No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight
       of it it can appear in any part of town, not matter how big the
       town is.
     * 316) If you are the main character, take the time to learn basic
       first aid, as you WILL break/sprain/strain/lacerate/dislocate some
       part of your body as you are fighting or running from the monster.
     * 317) If you go camping with your girlfriend and you have to piss,
       don't go 2 miles in the dark forest because you will die and the
       monster will follow your trail and kill your girlfriend too.
     * 318) Hiding in your sleeping bag won't make the monster go away...
     * 319) If you hear noises in a room and there isn't suppose to be
       someone in that room, leave the house ASAP.
     * 320) If there is only one bridge between your camp and the nearest
       town, don't go cause as soon as you'll cross the bridge, it will
       fall or be demolish by an evil spirit.
     * 321) If someone screams "None of you know whats really going on
       'round here" then listen to them.
     * 322) If your running desperately away from a big boogedy monster
       in the woods. A) He's going to pop up on front of you B) Your
       going to trip on something and end up on your butt just before
       something cleaves your head from your shoulders...Your going to
       die anyhow..so what not try running backwards.
     * 323) If the Damm power suddenly shuts off. Dooonnn't go try to fix
       the generator.
     * 324) Learn Karate, Well...at least no ones tried to roundkick
       Jason yet...
     * 325) Sudden and loud noises coming from the tool shed are
       generally bad, don't be a smart ass and go check it out.
     * 326) If someone tells you a tale about a monster that used to hunt
       and kill people right around this area, don't say you don't
       believe it.
     * 327) If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth,
       or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed.
     * 328) It's a safe bet that the man who your mom brought home is
       going to, at some point, try to kill you - so kill him first.
     * 329) The annoying nerdy kid who, "knows the secret of the lake" is
       probably right, but the good new is he'll also be the first to
     * 330) If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by
       some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your
       father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill
       yourself at once.
     * 331) If your family keeps your younger brother chained up in the
       cellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not intervene.
     * 332) When your flashlight batteries die, and they will, so will
     * 333) Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.
     * 334) Never, ever buy anything at an antique store, no matter how
       much the creepy owner offers to take off the price.
     * 335) Remember, the hot teenage babe you're having sex with will
       eventually turn into either a vile demon or your dead grandmother,
       so be quick and keep your eyes closed.
     * 336) Don't waste valuable time digging up the grave of your dead
       child, it's safe to assume the coffin is either empty or contains
       the remains of some strange animal.
     * 337) If your name is not listed in the opening credits, there is a
       97.89% chance your flybait!
     * 338) Try to avoid going intofruitcellars of old abandoned
       cabins-Evil Dead2
     * 339) If the first 10 gun blasts didn't do any good, there's a good
       chance the next 10 won't work either!
     * 340) Don't go burying your dead pets in foreign cemetarys, because
       if it didn't work for the Creeds, it sure as hell won't work for
     * 341) If an Irish midget is chasing you around and is rambling
       something about his gold, be a good man and give the guy his damn
       coin, because, though it may protect you from bodily harm, the
       midget may just kill your friends and family instead, so give him
       his coin and everyone will be happy.
     * 342) Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves
       are seen.
     * 343) If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for
       any reason, either take the hint and leave the vicinity with it,
       or run the hell away FROM it.
     * 344) Never ever fire a gun at the maniac/alien/undesirable other.
       If the firearm doesn't jam, it will only make the villain very
       angry at you, and the Grim Reaper will hand you your one-way
       ticket to the realm beyond.
     * 345) Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown that
       makes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs
       for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages
       on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get therapy. Even
       Ronald McDonald is a potential threat...
     * 346) Don't repeat the Necronomicon spell wrong. In fact, don't
       repeat it right either. Burn the damned book and go bye-bye as
       fast as possible.
     * 347) If you ever find yourself in a area with a lot of flesh
       eating zombies. And there are crazy, living people wanting to make
       a lot of noise, don't disturb them. Better them then you. But if
       the zombies come after you (like in Night of the Living Dead)
       shoot or hit them in the head, or set them on fire. If all else
       fails, run like hell away from them. Don't go back for a friend if
       he's bitten, he's a goner.
     * 348) Never, ever use a ouija board alone!! If you do use a board
       by yuorself, Do Not use it in a house that was occupied by an ax
     * 349) Never, never, never go by yourself to investiage a strange
       noise coming from the:
         A. basement
         B. attic
         C. any dark room
       without a full company of the National Guard
     * 350) If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about
       boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.
     * 351) If you can't drive a moped, don't try; otherwise, you might
       find yourself in a Robert Englund film.
List of Known Contributors:

     * Andy - acharris@pen.k12.va.us
     * Jillian Arroyo
     * DJ Babb - sbabb@comp.uark.edu
     * Patrice Bellefeuille - pbelle@mail.accent.net
     * Tom Blake - CTC-Customer-Service@tribune.com
     * Bart Boos - boosfam@netbistro.com
     * Rick Booth - rbooth@galaxy.galstar.com
     * Hiawatha Bray - wathab@aol.com
     * Neil Buchalter - buchal@cooper.edu
     * Shawn Campbell - sabin1@midwest.net
     * Ben Church - rlchurch@erols.com
     * P J Christie - LWA95PJC@sheffield.ac.uk
     * Keanen W. Cole - razor-hellwig.@postoffice.worldnet.att.net
     * Jeff Croft - jcroft@direct.ca
     * M. Curtis - mcurts@netusa1.net
     * Dave - delman@inforamp.net
     * Diabolic - diabolic@mo.net
     * Elizabeth Edgerton - elizaann@premier1.net
     * Tim Elia - telia@goldrush.com
     * Livia Eliseo - lteliseo@mail.valverde.edu
     * Robert Evans - obe@net1.nw.com.au
     * Mike Faulk - mfaulk@mindport.net
     * fnkyreggae@megaweb.com
     * Doug Fuller - fullerdl@maple.lemoyne.edu
     * Peder Fuglerud - peder@kjell.origo.telenor.no
     * Gabrielle - jinn@netcom.com
     * Ben Gillanders - ben.gillanders@stonebow.otago.ac.nz
     * Wes Gilpin - wgilpin@kbsi.com
     * Nathaniel Goss - natgoss@mail.zynet.co.uk
     * John Francis Gracik - ogracik@gemlan.org
     * Josh Graves - gravesj@miavx1.muohio.edu
     * Jacquet Francea Hall - j-hall6@nwu.edu
     * Murray Hartzberg - murrayh@sgi.net
     * Andy Havoc - tektite@felix.TECLink.Net
     * Matthew Hayden - sponge@flash.net
     * Casey Hopkins - caseyh@ee.pdx.edu
     * Scott Hopkins - hopkins@mtjeff.com
     * Stan Hyde
     * Katie - robertkc@epix.net
     * Michael Kennedy - mkenned1@mail.csc.peachnet.edu
     * Jack Limper - jlimper@msn.com
     * Henry Lipka - hlipka@ix.netcom.com
     * jrobison@wichita.fn.net
     * kbegg@nslsilus.org
     * Charles William Lee - ozzy13@ix.netcom.com
     * Hailey Leithauser - gail.leithauser@hq.doe.gov
     * Henry Lipka - hlipka@ix.netcom.com
     * Liquid Meat Records Kids - liqmeat@popd.ix.netcom.com
     * Alicia Lund - mfrx5ajl@stud.man.ac.uk
     * Dion Malmberg - pitchermnd@earthlink.net
     * Troy Matsumiya - troydm@dowco.com
     * Mike McCool - mlm@nightmare.mcom.com
     * Dan Merrifield - dmerrifi@oak.kcsd.k12.pa.us
     * James L. Miles - rjmprod@america.com
     * Vicky Mills - vicky.mills@economics-library.oxford.ac.uk
     * Ben Monroe - bmonroe@ix.netcom.com
     * Eric Mosher - emosher@vt.edu
     * newton@kentnet.dtcc.edu
     * Mike O'Donovan - mod@mail.anglianet.co.uk
     * Amy Olson - mbao@bitstreet.com
     * Bob Patterson - repatter@indiana.edu
     * PEPONITA@aol.com
     * Sandy Petersen - sandyp@idgecko.idsoftware.com
     * PFLUGERD@ubaclu.unibas.ch
     * Aaron Potter - PAP8G@VIRGINIA.EDU
     * Joseph A Prawdzik - DARD14B@prodigy.com
     * Adrianne Price - ajp5818@garnet.acns.fsu
     * Dean Sauter - deana123@beta.delphi.com
     * Michael Scott - rictus@indy.net
     * Mark Simmons - Mark.Simmons@ice.LakeheadU.Ca
     * smurph01@interserv.com
     * Charlie Steinhice - charlies@voy.net
     * John Trainor - gt7640c@prism.gatech.edu
     * Stephanie J Travis - gurgi@juno.com
     * User (Editor's note: Were you born a Zappa?) - user@acpub.duke.edu
     * Vincent Vale - vincev@bacchus.apana.org.au
     * John Veyon - VEYON@AB.EDU
     * John Vivas - yukonjon@marsweb.com
     * Kathy Vogt - vogt@charleston.com
     * Kurtis Michael Weger - wegerkur@pilot.msu.edu
     * Eric Weiss - eweiss@winchendon.com
     * David Wester - wester@oz.sunflower.org
     * Bill Wines - wmwines@umich.edu
     * Stacie Wolff - wolffen@msn.com

IJMC May 1998 Archives