IJMC Stupid Baby Names

                       IJMC - Stupid Baby Names

Be afraid, be very afraid...I'm sending out a post that <gasp> originated 
from America On-Line. But, it's good, so perhaps there is some talent in 
that entire company. I just wouldn't like to have them as my service 
provider, no matter how much they've improved. As they say, life goes on 
and as such, so shall I.                                            -dave

P.S. Ok Josh, hang up on me and then don't answer when I call back. <grin>

One of the most enduring Legends I've come across involves ignorant parents
naming their child something ridiculous. 

The most popular version of this claims that a woman named her daughter
"Female" because that was "the name the hospital gave her." Invariably,
female is pronounced "Fuh-mall-ee". 

In this legend, words that are bandied about in hospitals are often attached
to children because the parent "thought it was a pretty word." Thus,
legendary children named Syphillis, Gonorrhea, Urine, and Vagina, spend the
rest of their lives trying to live down the name their idiot parent gave

Is there a kid out there named Syphillis? "We can't tell you," said Thomas
Marginaw, Deputy Spokesperson for the Social Security Administration. "We
only have a database of last names, so a search for first names would cost
the taxpayers too much money." Let's all thank Mr. Marginaw for doing his job
so conscientiously.

What about a baby named "Female" ? I thought I'd investigate New York State,
to see if this unfortunate name would show up. Tom Smith, a Senior
Biostatistician at the New York Bureau of Vital Statistics, sent me a list of
every name given to a child in the State of New York during 1994. It was
three inches thick.

In this statistical swamp I discovered the most popular girls names for that
year.  The second most popular was Ashley with 2,151 baby girls registered
under that name.  What was the most popular? You guessed it...

2,516 girls were named Female.

Are there really that many stupid parents in New York? No, here's the scoop.
When a baby is born, the hospital is responsible for filling out the birth
certificate. Often parents haven't decided on a first name for their child
when it is born. At this point, even though they aren't supposed to, many
hospitals put the sex of the baby down on the certificate.

That would also explain the 3,639 boys named "Male" as well. The parents then
must change the certificate through the State. Some never do. 

Were there any bizarre names in New York in 1994? YES!

Weird names for Boys:

Andrew's (note the apostrophe, as if the mother were reminding herself of who
the father was!)
As-Matik (say it fast, you'll see what I mean)
Brando (8 different ones!)
Dwarf (I don't even want to think about that kid's childhood)
GQ (must have been a handsome lad)
Hey (makes it easy to call him in for dinner, Hey! Hey! HEY!)
Infinite (3 different Infinites, you do the math!)
Knight Sir Lancelot (I'm not kidding)
Lisa (A boy named Lisa?)
Nadir (which means "absolute lowest point", thanks Mom.)
Truth ($100 bucks the kid becomes pathological liar)
Unique (15 different Uniques, and one Uneek, which when you think about it,
makes him unique)

Weird Names for Girls

Beautiphul (beautiful, but in a strange way)
Chaos (what were they thinking?)
Chevy (I mean, why not Saab?)
Choice (as in, "If I had one, I'd have chosen another name!)
Final (does this mean her younger sister is a mistake?)
Galaxy (hope she ain't shy)
He (a she named He?)
Infinity (I guess infinity is any gender)
N/A (as in, not applicable?)
Precious Angel
Tall (you better hope she is, that's all I have to say)
Tequilla (this means Mom won't get upset the first time you come home wasted)

Unique (15 of these as well!)
Virgin (ok, so her name will be obsolete around her 16th birthday?)
ZC (I can't even begin to speculate on that one)

All of you folks out there have been inundating us with strange names since
we started Urban Legends. These are just a fraction of the submissions we've
received --Kids Christened with Crazy Names Another Girl Named FEMALE, Crazy
Names, An Unfortunate First Name, Variation on Being Born FEMALE, Exotic
Names for Infants.

And if you go into the Miscellaneous Message Board, you'll find many posts
that have some hilarious entries as well. 

In case you think New York is the only place to have bizarro names, I went to
high school with a guy named Carter Nixon. His parents must have been hoping
Jimmy Carter would lose.

Finally, believe it or not, there is a race car driver named Dick Trickle.
Now that's just sad.

After this report, I feel lucky to have wound up with the name Legs.

LegsUrbano signing off...


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IJMC May 1998 Archives