IJMC Male FAQ 1.0

                         IJMC - Male FAQ 1.0

Here's a slightly odd one for you...if people want to contribute to this 
one, in the same vein, I'll maintain it and make sure it gets onto the 
web site in a place of its own (not just the archives). And that's even 
before I finish the silly site...assuming I do...oi.               -dave

Why are men such jerks?

 It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching
and nagging we have to endure)? Hormones modifies behavior. We're just

 Why do men always have to oggle other women?

 Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm
fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one
quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this
ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

 Why do men always touch themselvs, especially in public?

 We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's
much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

 Why do men always say such stupid things?

 We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated
by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

 Why are men so uncommunicative?

 You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you
get into trouble with your partner.

 Why do men have to act like such retards?

 Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the
old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the
world nowadays.

 Why can't men just share their feelings?

 Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and
women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have
no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like
rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel.
Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

 Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?

 Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as
much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for
hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave...
Must go find wildebeast... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the
other hand is a whole other story.

 How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

 Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that
enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In
prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended
periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were
able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on
this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by
saber-toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men
are born with this innate ability.

 Why can't men just say "I love you?"

 Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that
we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider
that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

 Why do men say "I Love You" when they hardly know me?

 Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire
way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

 What does it mean when men say "I Love You?"

 1. Please sleep with me.
 2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did.
 3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
 4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
 5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
 6. Stop nagging me.
 7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

 Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

 We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like
the  answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

 Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

 Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know
darn well you'll pick it up.

 What's with all the belching and farting?

 This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you
know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a
sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives
us stomach cramps.

 Why do men hate shopping?

 It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look
at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?

 Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down?

 Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat
is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a
function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer
that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a
courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the
seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the
fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please.

 Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive?

 Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are
generally  much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and
doing exciting  things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world
on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb
male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't
get). What more could any of us males ask for?

 Why do men act like they own the remote control?

 What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law.
Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just
anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control
is to arm wrestle for it.

 Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?

 Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We
could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men
fear commitment?)

 Why do men fear commitment?

 Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and
can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you
think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster,
better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to
purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a
few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a
slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much
more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...err... I mean newer models
every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags.

 What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship
right now" or "I don't want a girlfriend?"

 It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that
we want to see you repeatedly.

 What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?"

 Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically
repulsive  enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide
adequate protection.

 Do all men really masturbate?

 Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our
most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons.

 Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?

 Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and
environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)

 Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor

 It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also:
Do all men really masturbate?)

 Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women?

 As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with
ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so
obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are
always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal
treatment for the stupid people either.

 Why do men like younger women?

 Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily
impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little
baggage.  And gravity has less prevail over their bodies.

 Why do men only have one thing on their minds?

 While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may
only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of
other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite

 How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever  do
you see in that fat pig)"

 Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are
ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few
attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think
evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of
the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

  Why are men such dogs?

 I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient...

IJMC June 1998 Archives