IJMC The Stages of Life

                      IJMC - The Stages of Life

I'm so pleased that my new posting script worked the first time, that I'm 
sending another IJMC anyway. Ok, so maybe I didn't tell anyone that the 
life of the IJMC may have hung in the delicate balance of a script 
working or not, but then maybe that's because it wasn't the life of the 
IJMC that hung in the balance. Just my sanity. If you've ever programmed 
at all, you'll understand why a script/program working the first time 
will cause you to lose whatever sanity you had left before you started. 
Or something like that. Anyway, read on. This one bashes both sexes 
equally. I like that.                                               -dave




     THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

     AGE        DRINK

     17         beer
     25         beer
     35         vodka
     48         double vodka
     66         Maalox

                SEDUCTION LINE

     17         My parents are away for the weekend.
     25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
     35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
     48         My wife is away for the weekend.
     66         My second wife is dead.

                FAVORITE SPORT
     17         sex
     25         sex
     35         sex
     48         sex
     66         napping

                DRUG
     17         pot
     25         coke
     35         really good coke
     48         power
     66         coke, a limousine, the company jet

                DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
     17         "tongue"
     25         "breakfast"
     35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
     48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
     66         "Got home alive."

                FAVORITE FANTASY
     17         getting to third
     25         airplane sex
     35         menage a trois
     48         taking the company public
     66         Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

                HOUSE PET
     17         roaches
     25         stoned-out college roommate
     35         Irish setter
     48         children from his first marriage
     66         Barbi

                WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
     17         25
     25         35
     35         48
     48         66
     66         17

                IDEAL DATE
     17         Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
     25         "Split the check before we go back to my place"
     35         "Just come over."
     48         "Just come over and cook."
     66         sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

============ The Other Side =============

     THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE


     AGE        DRINK

     17         Wine Coolers
     25         White wine
     35         Red wine
     48         Dom Perignon
     66         Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser


     EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

     17         Need to wash my hair
     25         Need to need wash and condition my hair
     35         Need to color my hair
     48         Need to have Francois color my hair
     66         Need to have Francois color my wig


     FAVORITE SPORT

     17         shopping
     25         shopping
     35         shopping
     48         shopping
     66         shopping


     DRUG

     17         shopping
     25         shopping
     35         shopping
     48         shopping
     66         shopping


     DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

     17         "Burger King"
     25         "Free meal"
     35         "A diamond"
     48         "A bigger diamond"
     66         "Home Alone"


     FAVORITE FANTASY

     17         tall, dark and handsome
     25         tall, dark and handsome with money
     35         tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
     48         a man with hair
     66         a man

     HOUSE PET

     17         Muffy the cat
     25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
     35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
     48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
     66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs
                  Muffy the Cat


     WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

     17         17
     25         25
     35         35
     48         48
     66         66


     IDEAL DATE

     17         He offers to pay
     25         He pays
     35         He cooks breakfast the next morning
     48         He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
     66         He can chew breakfast


IJMC June 1997 Archives