IJMC - If You Only Had A Brain

This one's being printed out and taken to work...to put up next to the 
hard drive that got caught between a concrete floor and a sledgehammer. A 
few times. Or maybe more. It's dead, Jim.                           -dave





If You Only Had A Brain   (The Tech Support Song)
(Sing to the tune of "If I only had a heart", from the Wizard of Oz")

When yer computer's in  the toilet,
and all attempts to fix are foil-ed,
though you try and try a-gaaaaain...
        Better call us for service,                     
        `cause w know that you're nervous
        and you just don't have a braaaaain!

When your com port is un-know-un,
better get us on the phow-un,
`cause you know it's just germaaaaane:
        you don't know from shinola,
        you never did what we tol' ya',
        and we wish you had a braaaaain!

Yeah, yer' typin's a disaster,
the computer is yer master,
and reading, you disdaaaaain.
        The man-u-als, they snow you
        and in spite of all we show you,
        just your ignorance remaaaaains.

You don't know what the hell yer' doin',
and it's drivin' us to ruin,
my God!, you're such a paaaaain!
        You talk when you should listen,
        and into the wind you're pissin',
        oh, we wish you had a braaaaain!

At tech support, we're here for helpin',
so siddown and quit yer yelpin',
while we're tryin' to explaaaaain.
        Please don't futz with your system,
        I'm not askin', I'm insistin',
        `cause  you just don't have a braaaaain!

Well, your mind's like cookie batter,
there's an absence of grey matter,
so this is our refraaaaain:
        We could make your system work,
        and not a duty would we shirk,
        if you only had a braaaaain!    

It's our job, we try to help ya'
though at times we'd like to belt ya',
`cause you're drivin' us insaaaaane!
        But as long as they keep payin' us,
        we'll be here, although it's heinous,
        and we wish ...  you'd ... get ... a ...
        braa-ee-yaaee-yaaee-yaaee-yain!

email: dewhead@mindspring.com