IJMC The English Language, it so funny!

		IJMC - The English Language, it so funny!

I'm tired so here's a set of junk mail a friend sent to me, starting off 
with some quotes and then delving into the wild yonder of English 
language mixups. Til tomorrow,					   -dave




"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of 
your  life."
     Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she should become 
     spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." 
     Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward 

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially 
members of the House and members of the Senate."
     Vice-President Dan Quayle (surprise, surprise) 

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in 
the country."
     Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. 

On Pesticides:
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of 
something else anyway."
     Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane 

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for 
the police."
     Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of 
     various products abroad

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
     Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator

"If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from second on the 
bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough football games in this
league, and that's the problem we had today."
     Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost 

On  Government Ability to Communicate After Death,: 
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired
on January 1, 1976."
  Illinois Department of Public Aid 

On Criticism:
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass--and 
I'm just the one to do it."
     a congressional candidate in Texas 

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." 
     Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY
     sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio 

Wish--To end all the killing in the world 
Hobbies--Hunting and fishing
     from personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed on
     the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium 

"He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men 
and give it to 435 Congressmen!"
     Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio, when he heard that the indicted
     Spiro Agnew was asking to have his corruption case tried by the House
     instead of in a regular court 

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this 
century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in 
this century."
     Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential 
     candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion 
     about the Holocaust

"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
     John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early
     seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar" 

"At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday...over 80 shooters took part in the 
program. Rotarians, be patriotic!  Learn to shoot yourself."
     from Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator" 

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them 
unsafe."
     Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia 

"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly 
underpolluted."
     Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why 
     we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

On the Little-known Importance of Poultry Inspectors:
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death 
penalty for certain violent crimes:  assassinating the President; 
hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." 
     Knight Ridder News Service dispatch

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the 
school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of 
David Steele to the post."
     Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island 

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
     baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on 
     the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series


_____________________________________________________________________________




                ENGLISH: A UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE 
                ------------------------------
             From storefront, or otherwise, signs: 

On a Califormia freeway:
  Fine for Littering

In the window of an Atlanta clothing store: 
  Sid's Pants is Open

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: 
  Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewelry store:
  Genuine Fauz Pearls

In a Kansas City oculist's office: 
  Broken lenses duplicated here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot:
  Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only 

Billboard on Florida highway:
  If You Can't Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
  In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge 

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: 
  We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: 
  Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On a Rapid City store:
  Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms of Other Fine Bait 

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
  The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur 

In a Grand Rapids restaurant:
  Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop:
  During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here 

On a Jacksonwille, Florida, bookstore:
  Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books 

On a construction office in England: 
  We Specialize in Quick Erections 

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost: 
  Frost Free Library


_____________________________________________________________________________



        From Headline Howlers

Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge 

Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 

Kids make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws his Heart into Helping Feed Needy 

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 

British Union finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 

Lansing Residents can Drop off Trees 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 

New Vaccine may Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni 

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction 

Include your Children when Baking Cookies 

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 


____________________________________________________________________________



        Mysteries of Language

In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say 
you are "going Dutch," since the Dutch are well known for their 
frugality.  The Dutch, on the other hand, call the same arrangement 
"op z'n Amerikaans" (going American) because the Americans are known 
for their egalitarian nature!

In English, the bird "turkey" was named as though it came from 
Turkey.  In Turkish, the bird is named "hindi" as though it came from 
"Hindistan", which is Turkish for India.  (Any Hindi speakers wish to 
comment on the Hindi name of a turkey?)

French fries aren't really French.  In fact, they were invented by 
the English, who call them chips. The French
call them "pommes frites" or "fried apples [of the earth]". 

In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankforters. 
In Frankfort, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners.

"It's Greek to me."  But what does a Greek say to confess total 
noncomprehension?  A Greek says, "Stop talking Chinese!"  Bravo- but 
what does a Chinese say?  What a Chinese says is staggering:  "Your 
words are like Buddha's attendant, 12 feet tall, whose head I cannot 
reach!"  When Poles, on the other hand, are unable to understand 
something, they blurt, "I am hearing a sermon in Turkish!" 
Frenchmen, who are especially irritated by incomprehensibility, 
murmur, "Pray stop talking Hebrew!"  And Jews dismiss ensnarled (or 
foolish) statements with a crisp "Stop knocking a teapot!"
  >>> - Leo Rosten, "Hoorah for Yiddish!", Simon & Schuster >>>


IJMC November 1995 Archives