IJMC - Riot on Seasame Street, Film at Eleven!
Ok, so maybe the queue's a bit long when this took from '93 to be posted...
...it happens. I wanna say a quick "Hi!" to all our new members, the
roster's been growing this past week...so welcome newcomers, enjoy the show!
-dave
This humor is brought to you today by the letter Z.
IMPORTANT BREAKING SESAME STREET NEWS!
AP Online
AP 10/01 2:55 EDT V055
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Seseme Street, has
apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead;
including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend,
room- mate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly
holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New
York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the building.
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AP Online
AP 10/01 4:26 EDT V743
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Seseme Street muppet, is reported dead at this
hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City Police.
Kermit-The-Frog, Seseme Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police
stormed the five story tenament building where the bird was holding Maria
hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a
Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a
hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the
Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information available
concerning Maria.
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AP Online
AP 10/01 8:47 EDT V246
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists,
have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was
killed by Police early this morning after the bird went on a killing
spree on Seseme Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, has
survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prarie
Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a
green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the famous gay
paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area
report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper's.
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AP Online
AP 10/01 11:15 EDT V543
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away
from Seseme Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets.
Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the
police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene
at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk
Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results.
Ernie is said to be despondent at the loss of his good buddy Bert.
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AP Online
AP 10/01 17:25 EDT V927
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Seseme Street at five o'clock
this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing
tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets became enraged.
Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and
surrounded humans i their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets
pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large, styrofome
letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this hour, quiet
is restored -- but tensions are very high.
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AP Online
AP 10/02 0:47 EDT V211
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Seseme Street.
Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets
ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting
Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue
firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and
storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets
are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the street with
counting and alphabet songs.
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AP Online
AP 10/02 9:24 EDT V482
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Seseme Street
after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street,
lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testiment of the night of wild
outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death
by Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet--still animated
with life--can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly
at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street crying
and yelling, :"Ten, Ten Lifeless Mupput Bodies!" No humans were
killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug-burns.
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AP Online
AP 10/03 15:35 EDT V335
Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet
Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass
muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address:
"I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by
millions thoughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His
paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's
leaders. Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on
Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everone turned
to for advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone who can hang
as many paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run
the country."
I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature.
His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him, but it was
his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird
wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him, with
violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to "just get along"
with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but it
wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed.
Yet Another E-Mail Sent By The International Junk Mail Clearinghouse (IJMC).
Unless otherwise specified, distribute freely. All questions, comments,
submissions, and requests should be directed to Dave at eatheror@netcom.com
IJMC WebPage - http://gsusgi2.gsu.edu/~stdmdix/ijmc/ijmc.html
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