IJMC - Morons'n'Heaven
And now for something a bit lighter on the eye, we've got a nice mix of
morons and omnipotent beings. You figure which is which... -dave
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
o Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
o Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
o Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
o Drunk gets nine months in violin case
o Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
o Farmer Bill dies in house
o Iraqi head seeks arms
o Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
o Stud tires out
o Prostitutes appeal to Pope
o Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
o Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
o British left waffles on Falkland Islands
o Eye drops off shelf
o Teacher strikes idle kids
o Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
o Squad helps dog bite victim
o Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
o Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
o Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
o Miners refuse to work after death
o Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
o Stolen painting found by tree
o Two soviet ships collide, one dies
o 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
o Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
o Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
o Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
o War dims hope for peace
o If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
o Cold wave linked to temperatures
o Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide
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Subject: Dogs
Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.
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Subject: Morons
Have you heard about the moron who:
Waited on the street corner with a piece of bread to get some traffic jam.
Saluted the refrigerator because it was a General Electric.
Went to the lumber yard to see the Board of Education.
Ate some pennies and then asked if people saw any change in him.
Cut off his hands so he could play the piano by ear.
Put birdseed in his shoes to feed his pigeon toes.
Knocked on the lamp post because he saw a light upstairs and knew
someone was home.
Brought a ladder to the party because the drinks were on the house.
Put his chin on the curb to get his mind out of the gutter.
Poured whiskey on his tomato plants because he like stewed tomatoes.
Jumped from a skyscraper to show he had guts.
Put a chair in the coffin for rigor mortis to set in.
Took his pregnant wife to the grocery store because he heard they had
free delivery.
Filled the gym with water because he heard he was going in as a sub.
Was so modest he went into the closet to change his mind.
Thought he was upside down because his nose ran and his feet smelled.
Put his best friend through the meat grinder so he could scrape up a new
acquaintance.
Took the street car home and his mother made him take it back.
Backed out of the street car because he heard that as soon as he got up
someone would take his seat.
Took his nose apart to see what made it run.
Pulled out his teeth so he would have more gum to chew.
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Subject: References <off. to blondes>
St. Peter met a gorgeous blonde woman at the Golden Gates. She had a
sexy and horny look about her, so he asked for references. She
indicated she was sure her husband was in Heaven and would vouch for
her. When she said his name was Smith, St. Peter said they had lots of
those so he needed more information. She then said his full name was
Charles Smith. St. Peter said there were thousands of Charles
Smiths...could she be more specific? "He said if I was unfaithful to
him he would turn over in his grave!" "Oh yes," said St. Peter,
"you're probably talking about Roulette Wheel Smith."
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Subject: God
ARE YOU A GOD? Take this simple test and find out.
1) When you invite people over to your house for a party, they: A) Laugh and
question whether anyone will show up at all. B) Come over but everyone just
winds up watching TV. C) Prostrate themselves and beg for forgiveness.
2) When you meet a girl you are attracted to, you: A) Ask for her phone
number so you can get together again some time. B) Flatter her incessantly
and lavish her with gifts. C) Turn into a bull and rape her.
3) Your children won't listen to you. You: A) Threaten them with the loss of
TV privileges for a week. B) Try to talk out your differences to make the
house a happier place. C) You ignite a bush and engrave your immutable rules
into stone tablets threatening to cast any who stray into flaming pits for
eternity.
4) You are bored. You decide now is the time to: A) Organize your laundry
into dark, and white wash. B) Commit various random violent crimes. C)
Finally get around to separating the firmament from the earth and start
working on night and day.
5) When you return home from work you take: A) The bus. B) A carpool on the
freeway. C) The Rainbow bridge.
6) It's dinnertime. Unfortunately your cupboard is bare and you have no
money. You: A) Hunt for varmint. B) Humbly ask your neighbor for
assistance. C) Transubstantiate and nibble on your limbs.
7) You are having a child! You: A) Pass around cigars to all your friends.
B) Knit a bonnet. C) Buy a lot of strong pain relievers because the doctor
tells you the kid will spring forth fully grown from your split head.
8) The people you hang around with have names like: A) Joe, Bill, Mary,
Ziggy. B) Pedro, Maria, Zapata, Francisco. C) He Who Has No Name,
A'Thothton, Rah, Hera, Jesus, Michael Jackson.
9) At sporting events you fondly remember the good 'ole days when: A)
Players didn't charge kids 20 bucks for an autograph. B) The beer had bubbles
in it. C) The winners of the handball game would have their chests splayed
open, and their still-beating hearts' would be offered to you in sacrifice.
10) Do you believe in God? A) Yes. B) No. C) How dare you question my
existence, puny mortal!
Total up the number of A's, B's and C's you scored. Compare the result to
the chart below.
1-3 C's: You'd like to think you are all-powerful, but lack conviction. You
probably only have one or two small altars in someone's shed in the
countryside. Apply yourself more in the realms of subjugating mankind and
exposing him to your whim. Try forcing some guy to write a book about you.
4-6 C's: You might very well be a God, but you can't be sure. Try going
outside every day and hurling thunderbolts around the park. Randomly choose
a city to be destroyed. Think happy thoughts.
6+ C's: You don't really need to be told this (since you're omniscient) but
most likely you are a God. Don't panic. It's not the end of the world.
Well, it could be if you get angry enough, so keep that nasty temper in
check. Perhaps you should quit your job and start a band or something. Send
Ooze copious riches.
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Yet Another E-Mail Sent By The International Junk Mail Clearinghouse (IJMC).
Unless otherwise specified, distribute freely. All questions, comments,
submissions, and requests should be directed to Dave at eatheror@netcom.com
IJMC WebPage - http://gsusgi2.gsu.edu/~stdmdix/ijmc/ijmc.html
This is Mac. \\\\|////
He wants to travel the world. ( O O )
Please add him to your .sig and help him. ---oOOo--U--oOOo---
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